How to Talk to Someone with Memory Problems
When your loved one cannot understand what is being said or cannot find the words to express thoughts, it can be frustrating and embarrassing for everyone involved. Because your loved one cannot change his or her communication problems, it’s important that you find other ways to communicate with him/her. Let’s review some things to consider when you’re communicating with someone with memory problems.
How are you presenting yourself?
It’s important to pay attention to how you present yourself to your loved one. People with memory problems are very sensitive to non-verbal signals, such as facial expressions, body tension, and mood. Are you tense? Stressed?
- What is your approach?
If you’re impatient, your loved one will pick up on these feelings, and this may alarm him or her. If you’re calm and gentle, you are likely to help your loved one feel calm. Are you impatient? Easily irritated? Rushed? Demanding?
- What is the environment?
People with memory problems have a difficult time screening out distractions. For example, if the television is on when you’re trying to talk to your loved one, he or she may be unable to pay attention to these two sources of noise. Competing sources of information are overwhelming for someone with memory problems. The ideal environment in which to communicate with your loved one is quiet and free of distractions (i.e. no television, music, or other conversations).
- Are you catching your loved one by surprise?
Memory problems result in people feeling confused and disoriented. Approach your loved one from the front. When approached too quickly or from behind, people are easily startled. It’s also helpful to inform your loved one of what is happening. For example, if it’s bathing time, approach your loved one gently, and inform him or her of each step along the way.
- How much information are you providing?
People with memory problems may not remember more than a few words at a time. Make an effort to speak slowly and allow extra time for your loved one to respond. Try counting to 10 in your mind after asking your loved one a question.
- Avoid the following ways of communicating:
- Don’t argue with your loved one.
- Don’t tell your loved one what he or she cannot do. Instead of saying, “You can’t go outside,” try, “Let’s sit down and read the paper together.”
Now think about a time when you had trouble communicating with your loved one and answer the following questions:
- Who was involved?
- Was anybody else close by?
- What happened?
- How did you react to the situation?
- How could you have done things differently (based on what you’ve learned from the tips mentioned earlier)?
What You Can Do To Help
Now we’re going to review some useful tips on what you can do to help your loved one in communicating his/her needs.
Having difficulty saying words and sentences:
- Help, comfort, reassure, and be supportive.
- Gently assist your loved one to find the word or ask him or her to point to the object, if possible. Do not “correct” if you can understand the gist of what your loved one is saying.
- Guess at the word or meaning through “yes or no” questions.
- Try to respond patiently and turn his or her attention to something else.
- Respond in a comforting way to the feelings rather than the words.
- Check for needs that cannot be expressed (pain, hunger, need for toilet).
Trouble understanding what you said or what your loved one read:
- Ask your loved one to explain what was said or read. Say or read it and then comment on it.
- Count to 10 before you speak again to give him or her time to understand.
- Look for signs of understanding the words you wrote when you are talking.
- Simplify the meaning, and use physical gestures and simple words while you speak.
- Your loved one is able to understand a lot of what you say by how you say it, so make sure your words and the tone of your voice are sending the same message.
Cannot focus:
- Call your loved one by his or her preferred name.
- Put yourself in front of him or her and maintain eye contact so you can be seen.
- Gently touch his or her hand or arm as you speak.
- Pay close attention to the changes in your approach. Use visual and short verbal cues as well as touching that is comfortable and safe for both of you.
Difficulty naming objects, events, and people:
- Guess at words, meanings, or feelings.
- If you can’t figure out what your loved one is saying, avoid ongoing frustration and suggest doing something else, and try again later.
Making comments that seem irrelevant or don’t make sense:
- Ignore it and go on if it doesn’t need a response.
Losing all meaningful language except for outbursts of emotion:
- Make sure that your loved one’s basic needs are met at this point.
- Continue to communicate, even if it’s tempting to stop.
- Try not to talk about your loved one as if he or she is not there.
Alzheimer's Assn.